Monday, 16 November 2009
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Fletcher accepts funding from Great Leader, Kim Jong-il
President Obama's special envoy to North Korea and Fletcher Dean Stevie Buswarth, is welcomed by an unidentified North Korean official in Pyongyang airport
Korean Central News Agency via Korea News Service/APFletcher accepts funding from Great Leader, Kim Jong-il
Hilarity, courtesy Brooke Adams (MALD F10), for the FAKE news Fletcher Ledger.
Letter from Dean Buswarth
Office of the Dean
160 Packard Avenue
Medford, MA 02155
Dear Fletcher Students:
Over the past few months it has become exceedingly apparent that the university community is not immune to the global financial crisis. Tufts University has reported the salaries of university personnel have been frozen. Even more seriously, the sludge-like free-coffee that Fletcher students have come to depend on has been put into jeopardy. Instead, the school has been reduced to the installation of a Nescafé vending machine, bringing to Fletcher all the ambiance of a European train station after the sandwich shop has closed.
This is simply unacceptable. I fear seeing Fletcher become the bastion of economic stagnation already afflicting the undergraduate student body where young people, too burdened by student debt to afford attire other than sweatpants emblazoned with the university logo, have become unable to find work at their historic employers, such as the district offices of their local Republican representatives, and the Abercrombie & Fitch corporate headquarters.
Yet even as our portfolios weaken, our spirits remain strong. As Dean of The Fletcher School, I feel it incumbent upon my position to guarantee the financial stability of our academic institution. That is why I have decided to break away from traditional practices by divesting Fletcher’s endowment of risky wealth management schemes. Instead, I am plunging 100% of Fletcher’s money into the sole stable, risk-free option remaining. I am able to do so only due to my unique positions as the Dean of Fletcher, and the Special Representative for North Korean Policy for the US Department of State.
Allow me to explain.
The Great Leader, Kim Jong-il, has graciously accepted the task, small and insignificant for one of his expansive and omnipotent power, but so crucial for us minions, of keeping safe the financial resources of the Fletcher School. The Fletcher School-Dear Leader fund will comprise a portion of the US Imperialist Aggressors Sovereign Wealth Fund, one of the largest of such funds in the Wondrous and Everlasting Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea.
This plan furthers the international character of the Fletcher School and guarantees our wealth and prosperity for years to come. Also, North Korea has proved virtually immune to the effects of the global financial crisis. Predatory lending practices do not exist here. Walking down the streets of Pyongyang, I did not see one foreclosed house. AIG, Bank of America, Merrill Lynch, and other financial giants seen as the instigators of this crisis are safely kept out by the DPRK’s immaculate isolation. Moreover, if the North Koreans should run into any trouble repaying our money, they can just print some more.
In closing, my commitment to The Fletcher School and Great Leader is undiminished. We have an active agenda at the school, and I will continue to be involved in all aspects of it. Fletcher's mission of preparing the world's leaders is more important than ever, and engaging luminaries such as Kim Jong-il speaks to this. With your ongoing support, I am confident we can continue to perform that mission with excellence.
Beginning in Fall 2009, in-depth study of the Ten Point Program for the Great Unity of the Whole Nation for the Reunification of the Country will be part of the Breadth Requirement.
Sincerely,
Stevie Buswarth
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